1.  NEW:  The Al Franken Recount Rule:  
If the score doesn't add up correctly,  simply count it again until it does.  "No, I didn't get an 8.  After recounting my shots, I actually got a birdie".

2.  The Ted Kennedy:  Water Hazard  Finesse.

3.  The Hillary Clinton: Multi-Mulligan Concession.

4.  The Nancy Pelosi New Bi-partisan Sportsmanship Allowance..

5.  Nancy Pelosi 'Swing and Miss' Rule.

6.  The Pelosi "End Run" ploy.

7.  The Joe Biden No Win Rule: Or...
"We should quit before we win", rule.

8.  Repeating the Shot Gambit.

9.  Pin Unfairly Moved Allowance.

10.  Fairway Too Narrow Objection.

11.  Hole Too Long Objection.

12.  George Bush 'No Boundaries' Rule.

13.  Barny Frank:  'Two Holes In One' gambit.

14.  Mark Foley:  Soliciting The Caddy.

15.  Find a ball, lose a stroke.

16.  John Kerry:  "I was fore it before I was against it".

For God's sake, just look at the number of people out on the course screaming obcenities, throwing their clubs in the lake, defecating in their partner's golf bag.  

We've all seen that seething golfer slap the smirk off of his wife's face after he had hit a bad shot.

Golfers of all ilk get enraged for a wide variety of reasons.  They have bad balls.  Their club is inadequate.    Even though they don't practice, they STILL hit bad shots.   They're entitled to get REALLY pissed off...they're being cheated. 

The bottom line is the rules no longer fit all players!  All players lose their temper from time to time...because of the elitist, judgemental, mono-ethnic/cultural rules that, long ago, tilted the playing field towards the good player.  That's patently not fair!

That's why the new rules on the left have been discussed, negotiated, written and adopted by the Liberal Golfers Association: to level the playing field so no one gets feelings hurt or self-esteem bruised".

Harry steps up on the tee, the center of attention, all eyes on him, with the latest driver, the best cleated shoes, a new white golf glove and the perfect Norman Parker golf sweater.  HE IS SPLENDID!

He tees up the ball and proceeds to take two perfect practice swings.  THEN, he has a picture perfect tee shot...for the first 25 feet.  Oh NO!  The ball is fading...and fading...and fading  finally bouncing high off the beach performing a two and a half full twisting  somersault into the middle of the lake.  

Mr. Splendid's demeanor cracks:  "THAT GOD DAMNED BALL!"  He realizes:  "everyone saw me hit that!  Everyone could see that it was a good shot but the ball sliced anyway! It wasn't my fault!" That brand new $3 ball is gone, I have a two stroke penalty and my partners had better NOT blame ME!

Old rule:  Bite our tongue and say nothing.  Count one stroke in, one stroke out and hit the ball from the closest spot to where the ball left the fairway.

New rule:  The "Ted Kennedy Finesse" allows the player to slip away unseen and hide out in the rough.  If the player can re-enter the course without being seen and plant another new Titleist 3 at his choice of commencement, the water hazard inconvenience is totally ignored.  There is no need to erase the score card or add incorrectly.  Simply continue play as if it never happened!

This rule will take the steam out of a lot of embarrassed, angry golfers who simply didn't need that display of incompetence to interfere with his image and self-respect.

The precedent for this rule was set in 1970 by Senator Ted Kennedy personally.

3.  The Hilary Clinton multi-mulligan relief rules.
The Mulligan is an officially sanctioned "free shot" off the tee if the golfer hits a bad shot.  One concession allowed by the Scottish Golf Rules is the McMulligan.  Since the name is Scottish, the rule is simply an unquestioned concession every golfer gets if he is a victim of a poor tee shot. 

This was the one heart-felt rule that golfers got to take advantage of when the game became stacked against him.  The problem:  There's not enough mcmulligans.

The age old problem with the mcmulligan has always been that a golfer only gets ONE per round.  But what if the golfer NEEDS more than one?

Old rule:  Hit a bad tee shot and take a mulligan free shot.  Only one per round.

New Hilary Clinton rule:  The golfer, if confronted with unusual circumstances beyond his control, may take additional mcmulligans as needed in order to level the playing field with his fellow players.  He may even take a mulligan off the fairway by announcing his intention to the nearest golfer and taking the shot.

Clinton's perspective on the rule was this:  "Take as many shots at it as you need to win".

4.  The Nancy Pelosi Bi-partisan sportsmanship allowance comes into play when the arrogant, elitist, industrialist gets his comeuppance and screws up.  There is a ploy that can level the playing field for the victimized player that he can use to get even in the end.. 

In this case, the worst player finds a rule that seems to apply and tells the offending player.  The offending player feels good about the solution.  Then....after the game at the clubhouse, the worst player brings up the error at the 19th hole....the error in counting...the error in interpretation...the error in trying to hide an overt offence.  Mr. Elite is caught red-handed and the best part is.... everyone knows.  The leader is blown out of the water!

Thank you Nancy Pelozi for this great field leveler.

5  The Nancy Pelosi "Swing and Miss" rule allows a golfer who swings at the ball but actually misses not to count the missed stroke.  This situation is normally quite embarrassing so there is even a provision in the new regulation to allow the player to deduct a stroke if he felt unusually victimized by the entire faux pax.

If it was the intention of the player to hit a good shot but in his zeal, looked up and missed the ball altogether, the intention is the measure of the purpose.  If the purpose is legitimate then the intention behind the purpose must be respected as if it were the actual occurrence itself without the misfortune of having looked up.

6  The Pelosi End Run Rule
Certainly, no one would blame a player for walking up to the hole and checking it out before hitting.  After all, going right to the source would seem to be the apt thing to do.

In this rule, the player can go straight to the green and negotiate with the hole to determine what the best score should be for that hole then play the hole accordingly.  If a score of 3 on a par 4 is warranted, then the player would simply revert to that spot on the "fair"way that would yield such a score.

7.  The Repeat The Shot [The Al Franken Gambit]
One of the most ridiculous aspects to the 'old' game was hitting a bad shot when clearly the player wasn't properly set up.  Sometimes the player rushes or simply doesn't pay attention.  He hits the ball and has a bad shot when clearly the shot was mis-hit.

In these cases, the player shall pull another similar ball out of his bag and re-play the shot.  It certainly does no one any good to have missed shots counted as real shots when the intention of the player was clearly to pay attention to the shot as originally envisioned.

8.  The Al Franken Recount Rule
If the score doesn't seem to add up correctly, recount the score until it does.

New and IMPORTANT Terminology:

If you hit a "Rock Hudson", you missed a putt that looked straight but wasn't.

If you hit a "Saddam Hussein", you played from one bunker to another.

If you hit a "Rodney King", you were definitely overclubbed.

If you hit a "Sonny Bono", you hit a shot straight into the trees [the lumber yard].

If you took the O.J. Simpson gambit, you sliced violently but no penalty.

If  you hear someone mumbling "Princess Grace" after you tee off--- you should have used a clean driver.

If someone is mumbling "Princess Di" after you tee off--- you shouldn't have used a bent driver.

A 'Condom' - Safe, but didn't feel very good.

A 'Rush Limbaugh' - Hit to the right.
 
A 'Nancy Pelosi' - Way too far left.

A 'Barbra Streisand' - Ugly, but still working.

A 'James Joyce' - A putt that's impossible to read.
A 'Ted Kennedy' - In the water but no penalty.

A 'Pee Wee Herman' - Too much wrist.


A 'Paris Hilton' - A very expensive hole.

A "Henry Paulson' - Losing a bet on purpose.

A 'Barney Frank' -