1. NEW:
The Al Franken Recount Rule:
If the score doesn't add up
correctly, simply count it again until it does. "No,
I didn't get an 8. After recounting my shots, I actually got a
birdie".
2. The Ted Kennedy: Water
Hazard Finesse.
3. The Hillary Clinton: Multi-Mulligan Concession.
4. The Nancy Pelosi New Bi-partisan Sportsmanship Allowance..
5. Nancy Pelosi 'Swing and Miss' Rule.
6. The Pelosi "End Run" ploy.
7. The Joe Biden No Win Rule: Or...
"We should quit before we win", rule.
8. Repeating the Shot Gambit.
9. Pin Unfairly Moved Allowance.
10. Fairway Too Narrow Objection.
11. Hole Too Long Objection.
12. George Bush 'No Boundaries' Rule.
13. Barny Frank: 'The Back Door Shot'.
14. Mark Foley: Soliciting The Caddy. 15. Find a ball, lose a stroke. 16. John Kerry:
"I was fore it before I was not fore it". 17. Harry
Reed: "Stop NOW...We Can't Win The Game" 18. Bill
Mahr Rule: "Shriek and curse until I get my way"
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Certainly, no one at the USGA or it's
membership would ever argue the fact that the official rules are antiquated and in
desperate need of change. It's a brave new world and new,
all-inclusive rules need to be formulated. For God's sake, just look at the number of people out on the course
screaming obcenities, throwing their clubs in the lake or defecating in their
partner's golf bag.
We've all seen that seething golfer slap the smirk right off of his wife's face
after he had hit a bad shot.
Golfers of all ilk get enraged for a wide variety of reasons.
They have bad balls. Their club is inadequate.
Even though they don't practice...and, with all that, they STILL hit bad shots.
That's not fair! ...they've been cheated.
The bottom line is the rules no longer fit all players! All players lose
their temper from time to time...because of the elitist, judgemental,
mono-ethnic/culturally biased rules that, long ago, tilted the playing field
towards the good player. That's patently not fair!
That's why the new rules on the left have been discussed, negotiated,
written and adopted by the Liberal Golfers Association: to level the
playing field so no one gets feelings hurt or self-esteem bruised". Everyone
gets to play. Everyone gets to win. |
2. The Ted Kennedy Water Finesse:
Nothing makes a golfer madder than losing that new Titleast 3 in the
drink. It simply isn't fair!Harry steps up on the tee, strutting
like a Senator, the center of attention, all eyes on
him, with the latest driver, the best cleated shoes, a new white golf
glove and the perfect Norman Parker golf sweater. HE IS SPLENDID!
He tees up the ball and proceeds to take two perfect practice
swings. THEN, he has a
picture perfect tee shot...for the first 25 feet. Oh NO! The ball
is fading...and fading...and fading finally bouncing high off the
cart path and rolling down the footbridge only to fall off the side into
the water! How's he going to get that ball out? He isn't!
Mr. Splendid's demeanor cracks: "THAT WASN'T MY FAULT...I
WAS DAZED!" He realizes: "no one saw me hit
that! Had anyone seen it they would have seen that it was a good shot! It wasn't my fault!" That brand new $3 ball is gone,
The course captain says I do NOT have a two stroke penalty
and my partners had better NOT hole ME accountable!
Old rule: Bite our tongue and say nothing. Count one stroke
in, one stroke out and hit the ball from the closest spot to where the
ball left the fairway.
New rule: The "Ted Kennedy Finesse" allows the player to slip away
unseen and hide out in the rough. If the player can re-enter the
course without being seen and plant another new Titleist 3 at his choice
of commencement, the water hazard inconvenience is totally ignored.
There is no need to erase the score card or add incorrectly. Simply
continue play as if it never happened!
This rule will take the steam out of a lot of embarrassed, angry golfers
who simply didn't need that display of incompetence to interfere with his
image and self-respect.
The precedent for this rule was set in 1970 by Senator Ted Kennedy
personally.
3. The Hilary Clinton multi-mulligan relief rules.
The Mulligan is an officially sanctioned "free shot" off the tee
if the golfer hits a bad shot. One concession allowed by the
Scottish Golf Rules is the McMulligan. Since the name is Scottish, the
rule is simply an unquestioned concession every golfer gets if he is a
victim of a poor tee shot.
This was the one heart-felt rule that golfers got to take advantage of
when the game became stacked against him. The problem: There's
not enough mcmulligans.
The age old problem with the mcmulligan has always been that a golfer
only gets ONE per round. But what if the golfer NEEDS more than one?
Old rule: Hit a bad tee shot and take a mulligan free shot.
Only one per round.
New Hilary Clinton rule: The golfer, if confronted with unusual
circumstances beyond his control, may take additional mcmulligans as needed
in order to level the playing field with his fellow players. He may
even take a mulligan off the fairway by announcing his intention to the
nearest golfer, teeing up, and taking the shot.
Clinton's perspective on the rule was this: "Take as many
shots at it as you need to win".
4. The Nancy Pelosi Bi-partisan sportsmanship allowance
comes into play when the arrogant, elitist, industrialist gets his
comeuppance and screws up. There is a ploy that can level the
playing field for the victimized player that he can use to get even in the
end.. In this case, the worst player finds a rule that seems to
apply and tells the offending player. The offending player feels
good about the solution. Then....after the game at the clubhouse,
the worst player brings up the error at the 19th hole....the error in
counting...the error in interpretation...the error in trying to hide an
overt offence. Mr. Elite is caught red-handed and the best part
is.... everyone knows. The leader is blown out of the water! Thank
you Nancy Pelozi for this great field leveler. 5 The Nancy
Pelosi "Swing and Miss" rule allows a golfer who swings at
the ball but actually misses not to count the missed stroke. This
situation is normally quite embarrassing so there is even a provision in
the new regulation to allow the player to deduct a stroke if he felt
unusually victimized by the entire faux pax. If it was the intention of
the player to hit a good shot but in his zeal, looked up and missed the
ball altogether, the intention is the measure of the purpose. If the
purpose is legitimate then the intention behind the purpose must be
respected as if it were the actual occurrence itself without the
misfortune of having looked up. 6 The Pelosi End Run Rule
Certainly, no one would blame a player for walking up to the hole and
checking it out before hitting. After all, going right to the source
would seem to be the apt thing to do. In this rule, the player can go
straight to the green and negotiate with the hole to determine what the
best score should be for that hole then play the hole accordingly.
If a score of 3 on a par 4 is warranted, then the player would simply
revert to that spot on the "fair"way that would yield such a
score. 7. The Repeat The Shot [The Al Franken Gambit]
One of the most ridiculous aspects to the 'old' game was hitting a bad
shot when clearly the player wasn't properly set up. Sometimes the
player rushes or simply doesn't pay attention. He hits the ball and
has a bad shot when clearly the shot was mis-hit. In these cases, the
player shall pull another similar ball out of his bag and re-play the
shot. It certainly does no one any good to have missed shots counted
as real shots when the intention of the player was clearly to pay
attention to the shot as originally envisioned. 8. The Al
Franken Recount Rule
If the score doesn't seem to add up correctly, recount the score until
it does. 9. The Barney Frank Back Door Approach:
If you hit over the green and have to chip back with a downhill dribble,
use the Barney Frank Back Door rule to eliminate two strokes by entering
from the rear. That'll put a smile on your liberal face!! |
New and IMPORTANT Terminology:
If you hit a "Rock Hudson", you
missed a putt
that looked straight but wasn't.
If you hit a "Saddam Hussein", you played from
one bunker to another.
If you hit a "Rodney King", you were
definitely overclubbed.
If you hit a "Sonny Bono", you hit a shot
straight into the trees [the lumber yard].
If you took the O.J. Simpson gambit, you sliced
violently but no penalty.
If you hear someone mumbling "Princess Grace" after you
tee off--- you should have used a clean driver.
If
someone is mumbling "Princess Di" after you tee off--- you
shouldn't have used a bent driver.
A 'Condom' - Safe, but didn't feel very good.
A
Barak Obama - When nothing else works, HOPE will get us through. An
Obama Man Can - Sink a 200 yard bunker shot while signing autographs,
giving photo-ops and directing the Tabernacle Choir
singing "Obama Man
Can".
A 'Rush Limbaugh' - Hit to the right.
A 'Nancy Pelosi' - Way too far left.
A 'Barbra Streisand' - Ugly, but still working.
A 'James Joyce' - A putt that's impossible to read.
A 'Ted Kennedy' - In the water but no penalty.
A 'Pee Wee Herman' - Too much wrist.
A 'Paris Hilton' - A very expensive hole.
A "Henry Paulson' - Losing a
bet on purpose.
A 'Barney Frank' - Accidentally
swallowed his balls.
A "Chris Cox" - The
regulations are sufficient.
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